In the Dark
by monica20
Summary: Archer mulls over his actions taken in the season 3 episode Damage. All from his POV.


**In the Dark**

_Summary: This is an Archer POV fic set right after the season 3 episode, Damage._

_Disclaimers: Star Trek, UPN and Paramount own the characters._

I lay there in the dark…just thinking. It was all I could do. Sleep would not come, and I didn't have the energy to do anything else. I felt completely exhausted from head to toe. I willed my eyes shut. Breathing deeply I hoped to fall asleep.

Twenty minutes later, I was still awake. I couldn't get comfortable as whatever position I lay in my aching body reminded me of the battering it had taken at the hands of the Xindi only yesterday.

I watched the shadows play against the wall as the light from the stars we warped past shone through. They seemed to be taunting me, shaped in some distorted and grotesque manner. I blinked in an attempt to refocus my eyes to convince myself these weren't the distorted images or voices of innocent crewmembers I'd just stranded in purgatory.

I tried to move onto my side but the pain in my ribs quickly reminded me that wasn't possible. It would take weeks to fully recover from the damage Dolim had inflicted. God, I wished I could just close my eyes and drift into the blackness of dreamless sleep. I was so damn tired!

Not just physically but emotionally. I'd crossed a line today I'd once thought unimaginable and my conscience was having a field day. I despised myself with every fiber of my being. Just thinking over what I'd done today brought bile up from my stomach. I was disgusted with myself.

What gave me the right to make such decisions? To decide that my crew and my planet were more important than anyone else's? I remembered the look in the Illyrian captain's eyes: shock and horror, but also contempt. I'd answered that I'd had no choice, but did I? Could I have done something else?

Forrest entrusted me with this mission and I was supposed to proceed at all costs. Innocent being that I'd once been, I'd not contemplated that selling my soul would be involved. First torture, then creating and killing a clone, and now this. Just how much further would I go to carry out my orders?

I crawled out of bed, wincing at the pain as my body groaned in protest. It had taken quite a beating — each time I'd goaded Dolim with one of my sarcastic replies I'd received full recompense for mouthing off. My body bore the scars of my so-called insolence.

Phlox had wanted to treat me today, but I'd refused. His diagnosis had been injuries consistent with blunt trauma, but I didn't want him wasting time on me when so many of my crew were hurt and needed his attention more than me. I accepted a hypospray but nothing more. He'd voiced his displeasure at my wanting to return to duty, but with the ship falling apart around me, I needed to assess the situation. I didn't have the luxury of resting to allow my body to heal.

I'd hobbled out of Sickbay to my Ready Room to find it in tatters. Despite Phlox's hypospray, I ached all over. My head pounded as if someone was driving nails into it, one at a time. Each time my diaphragm moved I had to deal with a sharp stabbing pain in my ribs. But at least I knew I was still alive.

Last night I hadn't been so sure. I'd been certain Dolim was gonna end my existence there and then. At that point I hadn't cared — as far as I knew Enterprise was destroyed and all the people I cared for along with her. I'd felt a ray of hope when speaking to Degra, but once I'd heard about the Xindi ships attacking Enterprise, I didn't care any more what they did to me.

The beating had been intense — but at some point your body just switches off. There's only so much pain the human body was designed to tolerate, when it can't stand it anymore, you don't feel it. It was quite a strange experience. I watched Dolim and his cohorts pummel my body as if I was an observer looking on from above while my brain no longer registered the torment inflicted.

And then the darkness descended upon me. My vision had become like a long black tunnel that wanted to engulf me. I welcomed it. Never in my life had I wanted to just be swallowed up into nothingness so much. It seemed like a haven. A final blow to my head seemed to seal the deal and I succumbed to the enveloping blackness and at last I'd found peace.

Back on board Enterprise, I'd sat in my darkened wreck of a Ready Room concocting my plan. Hoshi and Travis had found a hidden comminque aboard the Xindi Aquatic pod I'd been returned in. I had to get to a rendezvous point in three days.

Maybe I'd been possessed — driven and totally blinded to the immorality of my decision. I felt cornered like never before. Two choices lay before me: steal and get to Degra in three days or follow the moral path and deal with the consequences of Earth's destruction. I was caught between a rock and a hard place.

Phlox had come to see me with Porthos in tow. I barely acknowledged the presence of my pet. I felt numb, unable to conjure up any reminiscence of feeling for my animal. Maybe this was how I would do what I was about to do. Shut off all my feelings and emotions and get on with the job at hand. Not think and analyze, weighing up the moral consequences, but allow my heart to be dipped into an emotional permafreeze.

I told Phlox I was going to cross a line. He didn't wince. Neither did he try to rebuke me or change my mind. Maybe he knew that in war distasteful decisions have to be made.

I knew Reed was horrified by my proposal. I could see the shock in his eyes as his brain processed what I'd just suggested. He probably wondered who I'd become and what I'd done with the gentile captain who wouldn't hurt a fly. But still he'd assembled his team together and carried out my orders.

T'Pol was the only one brave enough to contradict my decision. In an unusual display of emotion she'd yelled at me, broken her PADD across my desk, and quoted back to me my own words from a few months back. She'd found a crack in my armour. I didn't need to hear this now, I'd deal with the consequences and guilt later. I knew I was going back on my own words, she didn't need to drill that into me. Yes, I was human, and part of being human was exercising humanity — what I was proposing was in contradiction to that very belief.

But I couldn't let her know that. I had to do this. I had no choice. I'd already wrestled this battle on my own with no favourable outcome. I had to concentrate on the task at hand, not my own feelings.  
I gazed out the window of my cabin and watched the stars zoom by. They wouldn't be flashing past me in the blink of an eye without the stolen warp coil. I wouldn't feel the hum of the warp engines if not for the stolen warp coil. And I wouldn't be meeting Degra in three days if not for the stolen warp coil.

Trip told me I did the right thing. I guess he was just trying to comfort me, so I wouldn't wallow in guilt. Maybe he saw it in my eyes — that beaten, tired look I seem to wear nowadays. The comment was appreciated, but didn't diminish how I felt.

So where did I go from here, I wondered. I hung my head low in shame. I would have to live with the consequences of my actions today for the rest of my life. The faces of the Illyrian crew were forever burned into my memory — determined to haunt me forever.

I'd have to deal with this all one day — and that day would come. If the mission succeeded and I returned to Earth hailed as a hero, I would not bask in the afterglow of being called such. I would retreat inside myself and suffer the emotional consequences of my unspeakable actions. My demons would bid their time, but when this was all over, they'd come knocking at my door.

I went to the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water. Gazing at myself in the mirror I didn't like the man reflected back at me. This was the face of a man who'd committed crimes and ignored his conscience. I turned away not wanting to gaze at the steely expression in his eyes — correction: my eyes. I had to at least admit that it was my own reflection staring back at me.

I poured myself a glass of water and gulped it down. Guilt sure gave me a thirst. I padded back to my bed and slid under the covers. As my sore back muscles made contact with the mattress I groaned. Somehow I had a feeling I'd be getting no sleep tonight. My body wouldn't co-operate; my pain receptors were firing off synapses at full speed.

So while my body pained me, my mind tortured me. Who said I wasn't paying my penance? Didn't help the Illyrians though. They were still stuck out there — with a three year journey ahead of them, having to fight off anomalies, pirates and whatever else fate threw in their path.

I sighed deeply. I had to push these thoughts aside; I couldn't deal with them now. I had a mission to accomplish and it had reached a critical juncture. I'd deal with my conscience and guilt later, when I had the time. Now I had to focus on getting Degra to agree with me and somehow turn him into an ally. Step by step, maybe peaceful negotiations would prevail over weaponry and war. I could hope, couldn't I?

Ahh, so he still existed — the pacifist in me who'd once been so naïve he'd left spacedock without adequate weapons. The man I was now would laugh at such stupidity and recklessness. But I'd been an idealist once — believing in the good of all species and hoping my journeys would garner Earth many friendships.

What a fool I'd been! However, somehow tonight I found that fact rather comforting. Maybe somewhere buried in my psyche that good guy still lived and he'd come back someday. I wanted to believe that, I needed to believe that.

The pain along my spine, the tension in my neck, the pounding in my head and the aching in my ribs each time I breathed became too blatant to ignore any longer. I switched the light on and contacted Phlox via the comm. Within five minutes he was in my quarters administering the required pain medication. He upped the dosage and asked if I needed anything to help me sleep. Not having slept well in days I nodded and he injected me with a second hypospray. He told me I should feel the effects within ten minutes or so. I thanked him and he left.

Turning off the light, I sunk my head into my pillow. The pain seemed less noticeable now and my eyelids were growing heavy.

As I waited for sleep, I acknowledged that somewhere somehow, I needed to make right what I'd done wrong. Despite all that I'd committed while out in this Expanse, I still knew the difference between right and wrong. Some would say the ends justify the means. I doubted the Illyrians felt that way.

I knew what I'd done and no one would carry that blame but me. I'd make the necessary reparations in whatever shape or form. As I lay in the dark, I promised myself it was a debt I would repay.

I closed my eyes, my tired and weary body finally succumbed to sleep and the darkness enshrouded me.

THE END


End file.
